remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
