considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
