after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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