Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
