did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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