this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
