hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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