I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
