he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
found the other keg... it's in the tree
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
