I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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