Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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