God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
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I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
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Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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