Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
