She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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