Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
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I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
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The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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