thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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