is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
