I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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