we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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