Texts From Last Night

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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I wish my penis had an off switch

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  (586): I wish my penis had an off switch http://tfl.nu/bdrc
  Replies (5) Good night (882) Bad night (1004)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.

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  (573): My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best. http://tfl.nu/21y4
  Replies (14) Good night (2653) Bad night (697)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.

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  (810): Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it. http://tfl.nu/lg31
  Replies (8) Good night (675) Bad night (1600)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

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  (302): I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good. http://tfl.nu/sjs5
  Replies (62) Good night (6295) Bad night (1161)
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  (518): View more from New York

  I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes

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  (518): I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes http://tfl.nu/yql0
  Replies (18) Good night (3134) Bad night (891)
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.

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  (289): I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone. http://tfl.nu/rtzl
  Replies (13) Good night (2519) Bad night (4099)
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.

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  (801): Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body. http://tfl.nu/oco3
  Replies (4) Good night (980) Bad night (2726)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.

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  (330): White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux. http://tfl.nu/a54h
  Replies (5) Good night (2003) Bad night (749)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.

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  (309): cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better. http://tfl.nu/6a1r
  Replies (2) Good night (1246) Bad night (928)
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth

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  (808): At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth http://tfl.nu/4jaz
  Replies (4) Good night (1039) Bad night (511)
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  (347): View more from New York

  That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.

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  (347): That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where. http://tfl.nu/6uae
  Replies (11) Good night (770) Bad night (475)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!

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  (715): It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful! http://tfl.nu/m6vl
  Replies (1) Good night (733) Bad night (380)
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.

  (801): View more from Utah

  The girl neighbor.

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  (801): The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis. (801): The girl neighbor. http://tfl.nu/zc5m
  Replies (1) Good night (654) Bad night (388)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong

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  (602): I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong http://tfl.nu/9evz
  Replies (1) Good night (975) Bad night (313)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge

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  (206): Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge http://tfl.nu/kiki
  Replies (0) Good night (339) Bad night (212)

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