tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident