So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
