Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
