Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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