it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I can't turn off my feet"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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