is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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