also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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