i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
