I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
