remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
