Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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