Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
