After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
