so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
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I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
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Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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