yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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