i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I deserve this hangover.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
