i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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