seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
