I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
