my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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