Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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