what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
