when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
