I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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