I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
