I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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