i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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