Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
