I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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