I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
my liver is dry heaving
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
