I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
