After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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