Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
