My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
