Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
