hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
