So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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