if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
