the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
