I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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