also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
