This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
